He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
