she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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