Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize