dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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