last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
