First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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