Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
