I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
