He uses pillows to masturbate.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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