I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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