sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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