that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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