So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
