Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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