Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
