I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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