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giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
