We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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