I just made out with a guy for $7.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
