Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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