I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
