I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
