I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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