Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
