you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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