i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize