new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
