I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just forgot I was standing up.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
