Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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