I want to walk on stilts...naked
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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