Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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