Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
