i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm always down for nudity.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
