Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
