My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
