I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
