So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
stop calling my apartment porn island.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
