The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
