Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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