you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
