giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
