Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
