Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She needs sedatives and a leash
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
