mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
