I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
