i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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