i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
