Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
