Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
PANTIES FOUND
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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