I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
