It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize