Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize