I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
