My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
