Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Damn victory sex feels great
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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