i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
