woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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