whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize