....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
