mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
