it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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