I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize