I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
