I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
