You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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