I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Help. Why am I so naked?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
