I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
