and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
