My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
