i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
