dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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