Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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