R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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