if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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