the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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