when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
